Friday Fell Back In Love
by angelesblackqueen
Summary: 5 times best friends Nesryn and Sartaq more or less made out. My gift for empress ofbloodshed in the Kingdom of Ash Fic Swap


A/N: So this is my story for the KoA Ficswap for empress-ofbloodshed. Elena said she liked Nestaq and I sort of ran with it…  
I actually tried a few different ideas for this and got a thousand words into each, before losing inspiration and I settled on this one. Title from Who Are You by Fifth Harmony.  
This was originally supposed to be like 2000 words long, but idk somehow it ended up being 7000, so…

Elena, I hope you like it! And don't worry, no digits ahead. ;)

 **I.**

"This is the stupidest thing ever," Nesryn groaned, burying her head in a pillow.

There was a low laugh and Sartaq lazily poked her shoulder. "You only think that because you've never done it."

Nesryn raised her head long enough to glare. "With good reason," she growled. " _Why,_ in the name of God, would I ever want to go club hopping with you?"

"Because it's fun."

"It's idiotic."

"Again, you've never done it. You might like it."

Nesryn huffed, sitting up and glaring at her friend over the couch cushion she was still clutching to her chest. "I sincerely doubt that," she said. "Even if _they're_ not going to be there-"

A wince passed over Sartaq's face before he could hide it.

Nesryn's eyes widened. "They _are?"_ She snorted and stood, throwing the pillow in his general direction. "Okay, now I'm definitely not going."

"Come on," Sartaq pleaded, getting up as well and following her around her ridiculously tiny Manhattan apartment. "You're only twenty two once, Nes-let loose."

 _The ridiculous-_

Nesryn scowled. "Okay, I have no problem with getting totally hammered on three bottles of Jack Daniels with you. We've done it often enough." Usually when one of them was in the midst of a terrible breakup or another spat with their family. "But that's in my apartment or yours. Not with your-frankly terrifying-siblings and a bunch of your friends who I don't know in a rowdy club."

Sartaq pouted at her, and it looked so ridiculous-he was 6'4, well muscled and his long dark hair was tied up in a loose ponytail-that she had to resist the urge to laugh.

But she kept her glare with difficulty. She'd never been a party girl and she had a job interview in the morning and she _cannot_ be hungover.

"I promise Hasar and Kashin won't bother you," he said. "Arghun probably won't even show-and you like Duva!"

Her glare didn't lesson. "Your sister pushed me down a pair of stairs."

"She was just playing."

"It was at my high school graduation. And as I remember you laughed your ass off."

What she didn't mention was how after he'd finished laughing he'd helped her up, given her his jacket to hide the tear in her dress and took her to the doctor. They were supposed to go out for ice cream after graduation-a pact they'd had since they were in third grade-and so Sartaq had bribed the nurse to bring them sundaes.

Four years later, Sartaq frowned at her. "If you go," he said slowly, "I'll come to your great aunt's anniversary party with you."

Nesryn stared at him. "But you hate Ethel."

He grimaced. "I know. And she's always on your back about getting a date, right?"

It was a painful bargain to make-but then Nesryn didn't think she could stand another day of her great-aunt pinching her cheeks and tsking about the fact that she's twenty two, out of college and living in New York and _still_ isn't married.

Besides, anything with Sartaq couldn't be that bad.

So she steeled herself and said, "You've got yourself a deal."

The smile that breaks out across his face almost made it worth it.

Almost.

Four hours later, with loud music blasting in her ears and not enough alcohal in her system to fully relax, Nesryn was starting to regret her decision.

They'd gone through three clubs so far, and it was still only 11:30 at night, not nearly late enough to turn in.

Nesryn lingered by the bar, watching her friends out on the dance floor. Friends was a loose term-they were Sartaq's friends, people she didn't know very well that he'd met at college. All of _her_ friends were back home in California.

Her black dress was too short, and she wasn't used to walking in heels, so she figured it was better for everyone if she just stayed by the bar. Especially when there was alcohol involved.

Nesryn drank the last of her whiskey sour and considered getting another one when Sartaq stumbled to a stop next to her.

"Nesryn." His voice was slurred and his balance was unsteady, a sign that he'd drunk a few more than she had.

Nesryn almost smiled as she automatically steadied him. "Having fun?" she teased.

Sartaq braced himself on the counter, blinking. "Fun-yep." He focused on her with difficulty. "Why're you sitting over here?"

Nesryn shrugged. "Not really my scene. Plus, I have an interview tomorrow."

Sartaq's features turned serious as he swayed closer. "Sorry if I forced you here," he said, voice still slurred. "I shouldnt've done that-"

He stumbled forward into her and she was forced to put down her drink before she dropped the glass. She grabbed his arm.

"It's fine," she said, noticing for the first time just how close he was to her. Space was limited in the club and he was practically pressed up against her, arms braced on either side of her.

Sartaq seemed to notice as well and he paused, shifting a bit so he was even closer.

She could feel him against her, the skin exposed by her dress pressing against the leather of his jacket.

Nesryn swallowed, her heart pounding in her chest.

She dared to look up at him and the expression on his face was utterly serious. His eyes were dark and she couldn't help but let out a bit of a shaky breath as he slowly leaned in...

She should stop this, she shouldn't-

His lips brushed hers-barely even a touch.

Nesryn's breath caught and before she knew what she was doing she'd shifted upward, her lips meeting his. Skin against skin, and heat that curled through every vein in her body-

The kiss lasted barely a few seconds-not even enough to be called a real kiss-and then, before she was ready, far too late, a crash echoed from the other side of the bar.

Nesryn jerked back, cheeks flaming.

Someone had dropped a tray of drinks and was swearing over it.

It didn't matter.

Didn't-

"Nesryn..." Sartaq's voice was heavy and breathless and suddenly she couldn't breathe.

Nesryn didn't stop to think as she grabbed her purse and pushed away from Sartaq. From her best friend.

The best friend she'd just-

She heard Sartaq call her name but she didn't turn around as she hurried out of the club onto the street.

It was October, but in New York that didn't mean much and it was freezing. She felt like it was just yesterday that it had been sweltering summer heat.

Nesryn's skin was burning even in the cold and for a moment she just stood there, gasping and digging her fingernails into her palms.

 _He was drunk,_ she told herself. _He didn't mean it. It was nothing._

But it didn't really matter whether or not he'd meant it.

Because Nesryn knew that, even for however brief a moment it had been, she'd kissed him back.

She was so screwed.

 **II.**

"I'm never becoming friends with a politically minded person ever again," Aelin declared, slumping over in her seat at the coffee shop.

Sitting across from her, Nesryn bit back a smile. "You're a lawyer, Aelin."

The blonde haired woman scowled. "Semantics."

Despite having lived in New York for four years now, Nesryn had never made very many friends in the area. Thankfully, one of her friend-of-a-friends from LA also resided in Manhattan now and even if things were still a little awkward because of their mutual ex, well...

It was better than spending Saturday afternoon alone.

"So, politics aside, why did you call me?" Aelin asked, red lipstick giving her business look a sharp edge. Not that everything about her wasn't sharp. Nesryn wasn't quite sure what proper attire for court was, but she had a feeling the sleek black pantsuit with its deep V neckline, gold choker and dark makeup definitely pushed some boundaries. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, but I figured you'd be busy with you're whole 'saving the world' thing."

Nesryn smiled tightly, shrugging her shoulders and welcoming the cozy feel of a warm sweater. The one good thing about New York falls. "I thought it would be nice to catch up," she lied. Truthfully, she'd been avoiding Sartaq since the incident at the club, no matter how many time she'd told herself it didn't mean anything. She wasn't even sure if he remembered.

Aelin snorted. "Over tea? How very 18th century of you." She popped a cookie into her mouth and Nesryn hid a grin. She knew Aelin could never resist chocolate.

"Things are good with me," she continued, leaning back in her chair. "Even if I'm not getting any right now because Rowan is on a business trip."

Nesryn choked on her tea. "Aelin!"

Aelin's grin was devilish. "What? You're just upset become _you're_ not getting any." She frowned. "Wait, are you? Because if you're actually not, then I need to get Lysandra down here. You have to have a sex life."

This was _not_ what she'd wanted to discuss when she came up with this idea.

Nesryn took a deep breath, cheeks red and adamantly _not_ thinking of Sartaq and the way his lips had felt against hers. "I'm taking a break from dating," she said. "Too much going on. 'Saving the world' as you said. Thought I'm not sure United Nations agrees with your flippant description of what we do."

Aelin's brows flicked up. "Dating is one thing. Sex is another. Try a one-night stand." She sighed dreamily. "It does wonders for you."

Nesryn fought not to grimace. "Aelin, you're married."

"So?"

She sighed. "I'm not interested in casual sex, Aelin. I just don't see the point."

"You should," was Aelin's smug reply. "Just find a hot guy and let nature do the rest. Trust me."

Before Nesryn could reply-most likely with something along the lines of 'I don't trust you'-someone spoke from behind her.

"Who's trusting you? And whoever they are, don't. I wouldn't trust you with a ten foot pole."

Nesryn stiffened and she prayed in vain as she slowly turned around.

Sartaq was standing behind her, eyebrow raised. "So? Who's not trusting Aelin?"

"Nesryn," Aelin said, slumping back in her seat and crossing her arms. "I've been trying to tell her that even if she doesn't want to date right now, she's in desperate need of sex." She gestured wildly. "You explain it to her! A one night stand is exactly what she needs."

Sartaq's expression was blank but she thought she saw him stiffen a little. "Nesryn's in charge of her own life," he said a tad coolly. "I think we should let her handle it."

Nesryn relaxed a bit. In all this drama, she'd forgotten that Sartaq was her best friend. He always took her side on things.

But Aelin just glared. "You're no help," she declared, standing up. "I'm going to get another coffee. Entertain yourselves."

Sartaq watched her go with raised eyebrows then sat down in her vacated spot. "So, feeling a little lonely, Nes?" His tone was teasing, but his eyes lacked the usual spark that made up their conversations.

Nesryn gripped her cup tightly. "No," she said stiffly. "Aelin's just being ridiculous." She changed the subject hastily. "What are you doing here?"

He raised his eyebrows. "This is my local coffee shop."

 _Right._

Sartaq hesitated and leaned a little closer. "Have you-Nesryn, have you been avoiding me?"

Her heartbeat instantly ratcheted up and she kept her face carefully blank. She did _not_ want to have this conversation. "No."

His eyes narrowed. "Really? Because I think-"

Aelin was still at the counter, scrolling through her phone with a bored expression on her face. Behind her, the door to the coffee shop opened and an unfortunately familiar man walked in.

Jason. The slimy coworker who'd been pushing her for a date for the past three months, despite her numerous attempts to gently refuse.

His eyes locked on hers and his face lit up and he changed direction.

Damn it, he was coming over here-

Sartaq was still talking but Nesryn didn't pay any attention to that as she leaned in, grabbing him by the collar and kissed him.

He let out a muffled grunt and Nesryn could see Jason's face fall and he turned quickly to go-

Then her head caught up with her actions.

She was kissing Sartaq.

Sartaq was kissing her.

His lips were smooth and tasted like the spicy chai from the street vendor by his apartment that they both loved.

Heat spread through her whole body and her grip on his collar loosened, her fingers cupping the back of his neck.

He shifted forward a little, the pressure becoming harder, noses and eyelashes pressing together...

Nesryn knocked into her cup of tea and it toppled over, the now-cool liquid spilling across the table.

She jerked back, gasping.

Sartaq was gaping at her, his eyes wide and lips swollen from her kisses.

She suddenly started to feel a bit queasy and, cheeks flaming, she quickly blurted out, "I have to go. Yeah-thank you."

Then she grabbed her purse and ran.

 **III.**

This was the last place on earth that she should've come to.

She should've gone to Aelin's or called her friends back in California or anything really.

And yet somehow she ended up standing in front of Sartaq's apartment.

Her breath was a ragged gasp in her chest and the tears on her cheeks felt hot and sticky as she raised a shaking hand to knock.

Footsteps and then a second later the door swung open.

Sartaq blinked blearily at her, his long hair loose and wearing a pair of Daffy Duck PJs that Nesryn bought him as an ironic Christmas gift two years ago.

"Nesryn?" His voice was groggy. "It's 3 A.M.-" He saw her face and instantly straightened. "What's wrong?"

Nesryn just shook her head, unable to speak as another sob threatened to burst forth and stepped forward, burying herself in his embrace.

Sartaq recovered to the surprise hug quickly and wrapped his arms around her, murming into her hair.

"Hey, it's okay, it'll be okay..." He subtly maneuvered them back into his apartment, closing the door behind them.

Nesryn clutched his shirt in her hands and suddenly the tears wouldn't stop coming. She gasped, her entire body shaking and her heart straining behind her ribs like a trapped bird that was screaming for release.

Sartaq just held her, his hand smoothing over her back and murmuring comforting words into her hair.

She was still wearing her fancy red dress and heels, she noticed dimly. She'd left in the middle of an office party and she was sure she would pay for it in the morning. But she couldn't think about that right now.

The harsh pain in her chest didn't go away but eventually the tears slowed and she was left with an aching emptiness.

Sartaq hadn't spoken, but now he shifted and pushed her hair out of her face as she looked up at him, vision blurry.

"Nesryn," he said. That was it. Just her name.

It almost made her start crying again, how tenderly he said her name.

But there was a question hidden in that word and she'd barged into his apartment at 3 in the morning and hadn't even apologized for it-

But looking at Sartaq's face, so perfectly serious and open, Nesryn realized he didn't care about any of that. He only cared that she was hurting.

"Delara called me," she said, her voice barely a whisper. "She-she's been avoiding me recently and I thought we were just fighting about something, but..." She pressed her lips together painfully tight, the pain screaming at her. "She has cancer. Thyroid." She choked back a sob. "She's been getting treatment, but there's a chance that she'll-"

She couldn't go on.

Sartaq's expression turned devastated. "Nes...I'm so sorry," he said. "I'm sorry." He hugged her tighter and for a moment Nesryn just held him back.

She and Delara had always fought growing up-what sisters didn't?-but she loved her fiercely. And even though Delara had assured her that it was treatable, even the smallest chance that she could be taken from her...

It ripped her heart out, a pain that screamed and cried and destroyed her entirely.

After a few long moments, Nesryn sighed and stepped out of Sartaq's embrace, wiping at her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have just barged in-thank you..for that. I'll just go-"

"Wait." Sartaq caught her hand. "Nesryn, you're in no condition to go anywhere right now. Stay here tonight. Please."

Nesryn hesitated, but she knew he was right, so she nodded mutely.

Sartaq sighed, looking relieved. "Good. Here, sit down. I'll be right back."

Nesryn sat on the couch, curling up against the cushions and wrapping her arms around herself, as though that would make the truth hurt less. As though she could hold herself together.

A few minutes later Sartaq came back with a cup of steaming tea and a blanket.

Nesryn accepted the tea silently, but at the sight of the blanket she almost smiled. "Ronald?"

Sartaq grinned at her, even though his eyes were still sad. "In the flesh."

Unable to help herself, Nesryn laughed quietly, the sound hoarse.

Ronald, a fuzzy red blanket that they'd found on the side of the road one day in middle school, was a testament to their Harry Potter obsession, which had been especially rampant during sixth and seventh grade. Nesryn hadn't even known that Sartaq brought Ronald with him when they moved to New York for college.

Sartaq sat down next to her and pulled the blanket over their legs. His arm went around her shoulders and Nesryn automatically leaned into him.

She sipped her tea in silence-Sartaq made the best tea in the world, she thought-and let her thoughts spiral.

After a long moment, perhaps sensing that she didn't want to think about Delara, Sartaq spoke. His voice was carefuly and quiet as he said, "You've been avoiding me because of the kisses, haven't you."

It wasn't a question, and it was such an abrupt subject change that Nesryn considered feigning surprise or confusion, but she was tired and she didn't feel like lying, so she said, "Yes."

Sartaq was silent and she didn't dare look at his face. She didn't think she could handle whatever she saw there.

His voice was neutral as he asked, "Why?"

Nesryn sighed. "I don't know. In the club..." she swallowed. "You were drunk. I didn't know what to think. Then in the coffe shop...one of my coworkers was coming towards us and he'd been trying to get me out on a date for ages and kissing you was the only way to get rid of him. I didn't think about what it would mean until after I did it."

She felt him stiffen against her. "So that's the only reason you kissed me?"

Nesryn heart pounded. "It doesn't matter."

Sartaq shifted, sitting forward so he could look her in the face. "Yes, it does," he said, dark eyes intense. Almost pleading. "It does, Nesryn."

Nesryn avoided his gaze, setting her teacup down just for something to do with her hands.

Sartaq's voice was soft as he whispered, "Nesryn...did you want me to kiss you?"

Nesryn met his gaze and found that she didn't have the will to lie. Not to herself, and not to him.

"Yes," she breathed.

She did want him to kiss her. So bad that sometimes she wondered how she could live without it.

Sartaq's lips parted at her answer and she could't stop herself from swallowing.

His eyes travelled slowly from her lips to her eyes and whatever he saw there seemed to make up his mind.

Ever so slowly-slow enough that she could have stopped him if she wanted to-Sartaq leaned in, until she could feel his breath on her face and he was all she could see.

Nesryn leaned in too, closing that last bit of space and their lips met.

It was different from all their other kisses. The one in the club, while mind-numbing, had been harsh and sloppy, their inebriation and fuzzy thoughts adding an element of clumsiness to the whole thing. And the coffee shop had been hurried and panicked, a quick press of lips against each other.

This was slow and long, skin against skin, eyes fluttering closed and hearts pounding in sync.

Sartaq's hand came around to cup the back of her neck, pulling her closer to him.

Nesryn kissed him harder, the movement of his lips against hers hot and soft, robbing her of any thoughts except _him._

Sartaq leaned back into the couch and she followed, pressing up against his chest, tangling her hands in his hair.

He groaned and pulled back from the kiss.

She opened her eyes, gasping for breath.

His eyes were dark and hazy and he was breathing heavily too.

"Nesryn..." was all he said, and then he kissed her again.

Nesryn fell into it, this series of shorter kisses, each one punctuated by a gasp of breath, and when his lips travelled from her lips to her neck, pausing to suck lightly at her pulse point, she had to stop herself from groaning.

She was basically in his lap at this point and the straps of her dress had fallen off her shoulders. Sartaq proved to be quite up to the challenge of covering all the newly available skin in kisses.

After a few minute of that he returned to her lips and Nesryn, barely able to think, managed to gasp out, "Wait-"

The word was barely more than a gasp of breath but Sartaq immediately pulled back.

Just looking at him almost made Nesryn forego what she had been about to say. His hair was tousled and his cheeks were flushed, his lips kiss swollen and red. She had no doubt she looked just the same way.

But still...

"I-I can't do this tonight," she said. "I just..."

 _I'm torn apart about my sister and about you. You're my best friend and even though I just kissed you like you were air and I couldn't breathe, I don't know what I want yet. If I can do this with you. If it won't ruin our friendship._

She didn't know how to say any of that without sounding deranged or like the worst kind of tease.

But sometimes, she forgot just how well Sartaq knew her. How much he understood her.

His expression softened, somehow reading all of that in her face and he leaned in, giving her one last brief kiss that made her head spin.

"I know," he said, voice soft and ragged. "I know."

Nesryn didn't know whether to laugh or cry or thank him, but Sartaq didn't seem to be expecting her to say anything as he shifted so that she was sitting next to him again and no longer on top of him.

He gave her a rueful grin as he ran a hand through his hair. "I suppose these things take time anyway," he said. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "Take your time."

 _Take her time with what? With deciding whether or not she wanted to be with him?_

Of course she did.

But it wasn't that simple.

But it was late, and the events with Delara still weighed heavy on her heart, and it wasn't the time for this conversation, so Nesryn just held his hand and said, "Okay."

 **IV.**

Nesryn tapped her pen against the glass surface of her desk, keeping her eye on the clock.

"Miss Faliq?" An intern stopped at the entrance of her office. "There's a guest here for you."

Nesryn didn't let her relief show on her face as she nodded. "Thank you, Samantha. Let him in."

Her office in the refugee department of the UN building was on the ninth floor, and Nesryn avoided looking out the windows as much as possible. She wasn't afraid of heights, but she still got vertigo.

There was a knock on her open door and Nesryn turned in her chair, a smile automatically breaking out on her face as she saw Sartaq standing there.

He grinned at her and held up a paper bag. "Though you might need some bagels," he said in greeting.

"A worthy thought," Nesryn agreed, pushing papers off her desk to make room for him. "How do you always know exactly what I need?"

Sartaq, unpacking the bagels, didn't reply, but she saw him stiffen a little.

Nesryn bit her lip.

It had been a week since her breakdown at his apartment. Since he'd told her to think about it.

Whatever it even was.

She still wasn't sure, and she didn't have any more of an answer for him than she did on that night.

But she could tell that Sartaq wanted to know, and was holding back from asking her.

It had made their interactions a little strained lately.

Sartaq handed her an onion and lox spread bagel-her favorite-and leaned against her desk as he took a bite out of his own. "How goes the job?"

Nesryn shrugged, her heels pinching her feet so much that she resisted the urge to just chuck them off. "Crisis after crisis," she sighed. "The world of wars and terrorism never sleeps. I actually have to go to Kenya in three days, to oversee some evacuations."

Sartaq gave her a half-smile. "They'll be lucky to have you, Nes."

She couldn't help but smile back at him.

They continued eating in silence, Sartaq's of the more brooding kind, and he was so lost in thought that he didn't pay too much attention to where he was putting his food.

Cream cheese smeared across his top lip and Nesryn muffled a laugh, setting down her bagel and leaning in. "Watch your step," she joked, rubbing it off.

Sartaq's eyes were wide and suddenly she swallowed, hand still on his lips.

His breath was warm on her fingers.

Slowly, Sartaq put his bagel down and reached up to grab Nesryn's hand. Her eyelashes fluttered closed as he leaned in and their lips met in a kiss.

She didn't think she'd ever get tired of kissing Sartaq.

She gasped and half-stood up from her chain, Sartaq tugging her against him until they were both leaned over her desk.

The door was still open and anyone could walk by at any time but Nesryn wasn't thinking about that as Sartaq's lips travelled down her neck and she wound her hands through his hair, biting back a gasp.

She groaned his name as he pushed the strap of her bra and her silky blouse to the side, lavishing her shoulder, then tugged weakly to get his lips back up to hers.

The kiss was searing and her heart pounded in her chest.

Sartaq drew back though. "Nesryn..." he murmured.

"Quiet," she groaned, and kissed him again, fingers fumbling at the buttons of his shirt, needing to feel his skin against hers.

Nesryn liked to think she had more propriety than to have sex on her desk in her office, in full view of anyone who happened to walk by, but Sartaq's kisses did something to her brain, turned any reasonable thoughts into little more than whispers. Not to mention, Sartaq seemed to be more than willing.

But then he groaned into her mouth. "Nesryn..." He pulled back with difficulty, lips swollen and eyes dark.

"What?" Her voice was equally ragged and she was momentarily thankful for her heels and the extra reach they gave her as she pressed a quick kiss against his mouth. "What?" she said again.

"I..." He panted, running a hand through his hair. "I just..." He looked at her, shirt askew, hair tousled and face red and a pained expression crossed his face. But he sighed and carefully maneuvered her away from him. "We can't do this."

Nesryn stared at him, not understanding. "Why the hell not?"

Sartaq began to button up his shirt again. "Because...because it doesn't mean anything."

Nesryn shook her head. "What do you mean? Of course it means something."

But Sartaq just looked at her, his dark, handsome face somehow sad. "But not the right thing," he said. "Nes...you're my best friend in the whole world. I don't want to lose you. But I can't live a lie."

Her heart pounded and she started to feel vageuly ill. She swallowed. "What-what do you mean?"

Sartaq met her eyes. "I thought that when you kissed me..." he let out a groan, fisting a hand in his hair. "Nesryn, I've loved you since high school." His face was pleading. "I kissed you in the bar because I was drunk and I wasn't thinking of the consequences. But then you kissed me again and again and you needed time and I understood that-but if _this_ is all it's going to be," he spread his hands, "then I can't do that. I thought that I could, but..."

Nesryn stood there, unable to form words. She just shook her head dumbly.

Sartaq's face turned serious and he stepped closer. "I don't want this to be a casual thing," he said quietly. "I want to _try."_ He swallowed. "Will you try with me?"

Nesryn blinked furiously. "You...I..." She suddenly felt a bit like crying.

Here was her best friend, the man she'd cried with, laughed with, argued with and kissed. Kissed so fervently she wondered if she could live without it.

And he wanted to be with her.

But...

"I don't know if I can," she whispered and the words cut her throat. She held back the tears. "I just...I'm not good at relationships, Sartaq. You know that. And if this doesn't work-"

"Well, we won't ever know that if we don't try, will we?" Sartaq said, looking at her. "Because what if it does? What if it works and we have a perfect, beautiful thing together? All we have to do is try., Nesryn."

The way he said her name...

"I..."

 _I can't take that risk. I can't get my heart broken again and lose my best friend in one swoop._

"I can't," Nesryn whispered. "I'm sorry, but I just I can't."

Sartaq just stared at her, his eyes dark. As though she hadn't just broke his heart. He let out a hoarse sounding, bitter laugh. "Of course you can't," he said and turned to go. "You're just-you never try, Nesryn," he spat. "You live in your safe little bubble and never get hurt. But that's not living, is it?" His eyes were furious, as though to hide his pain. "It's bullshit. In the end, you're just a coward. And you run from everything."

Nesryn's knees went weak. "Sartaq..."

But he was already gone.

Alone in her office, Nesryn sank down into her chair, mind numb.

Something wet hit her hand and she was surprised to realize she was crying.

She wiped at the tears, but they just kept coming and the pain in her chest kept growing, and then she was choking on a sob, hand pressed to her heart.

She did that to save her heart, she reminded herself. She'd hurt him, but it was better in the long run. If they'd tried, it would have ended and broken them both irreparably.

So why did she feel like her heart was broken already?

Her skin prickled with cold, reminding her that she still hadn't buttoned up to her blouse.

 _Sartaq_ _had unbuttoned it._

Nesryn wrapped her shirt around herself and cried.

 **V.**

There's something infinitely lonely about having a broken heart.

Nesryn sat in the cab, staring out the window on the way to the airport Friday morning, three days later.

She would be fine, she told herself.

She'd move past it and so would Sartaq.

She wasn't running.

Never mind that she hadn't dared to call him since the incident, or that she still cried herself to sleep at night, when no one-not even herself-could judge her about the pain.

The pain of having someone and then losing him.

Nesryn took a deep breath, holding tightly onto her purse. She was almost at the airport, she'd be fine. She'd go to Kenya and she'd do what she could to help others, then she'd come back and she'd go on with her life.

It would be fine.

Her phone chimed with a text message as the cab waited in the midmorning traffic and Nesryn fished it out of her purse, her pulse jumping despite herself-

It was Aelin and Nesryn tried to hide the way her face fel.

The message was brief, with a small video attached.

 **Aelin:** _Heard you were leaving town this morning. Good luck saving the world. ;) Dorian sent me this yesterday from his trip to NYC last spring. You know how he is about photohraphy and video editing-couldn't just let it be a simple slideshow. Knock 'em dead, girl. xx -A_

Nesryn hesitated, but the partition was up between her and the cab driver, so she clicked on the attached video link.

It took a moment to load, but when it did Nesryn had to stop herself from gasping.

Dorian's disembodied voice came from the screen, which showed the familiar scuffed wooden floors of Nesryn's apartment. _"-and let's go see what they're up to," he said as he rounded the corner to the living room._

 _Past Nesryn, with her hair in two short braids and wearing her glasses, was sitting on the couch, typing something on her laptop. Her feet were resting in Sartaq's lap, and he was reading a book. She didn't look up. "Go away, Dorian," she said, voice tiny in the recording._

Nesryn, sitting in the cab, pressed a hand to her mouth. This had just been a year ago.

 _Dorian just laughed. "Methinks the lovebirds want to be left alone."_

 _Sartaq threw a pillow at him. "Oy, get out," he ordered, and glanced at Nesryn, who looked exasperated. "We're trying to work."_

 _"On snuggling romantically?"_

 _They both groaned and ordered him to leave._

The video shifted and it was a video that Nesryn had taken herself-when she'd pranked Sartaq.

" _He's just in here," she said, coming into Sartaq's kitchen. She was wearing a pair of his pajamas and her hair was mussed. "And..."_

 _A violent screech as Sartaq discovered the olive oil instead of his coffee and then laughter._

Nesryn didn't stop the tears as the camera shook-how did Dorian even get this video?-and Sartaq threatened retribution.

 _He swooped in ad grabbed the camera, using one arm to drag a laughing Nesryn up against him. "I'll get you for that," he swore. "For fuck's sake-Nes, stop_ laughing."

 _Nesryn just laughed harder, and had to turn her head away from the camera to hide her face._

It had been funny at the time, but...Nesryn studied Sartaq's face instead of her own. He was smiling, as though he couldn't help himself, and he looked down at the still laughing woman next to him and the look in his eyes...

It knocked the breath out of her.

The amusement and irritation and _love._

She didn't remember that being there when she watched this right after she'd filmed it. Or maybe it always had been, she just didn't notice.

The clip ended and another one filled it's place, this one one she'd never seen before.

It was Sartaq, sitting at his kitchen table and filmng himself. He was smiling tiredly at the camera. It looked like it was late at night.

" _Hey, Nes," he said._

Nesryn started.

" _I know you probably won't get this for a few days, since you're in Syria for a while," he started, "but today's your birthday, and...well, we haven't celebrated a birthday apart since we were nine and it didn't seem right to break the tradition." He cleared his throat. "I'm sending your birthday present to you, so you'll get that in a few days."_

She had gotten it-a first edition set of Charles Dickens that she'd adored.

But this...

 _"I wanted to say," he said, "that you're the best. I know you're busy and there's a lot going on in your life right now, but I'm always there for you. Just like you're there for me. We've got each other's backs, just like we always have." He smiled somewhat ruefully. "It seems like so long ago, when I was crying on the playground because I didn't want to move to California in second grade and you came over and offered me your chocolate bar to cheer me up."_

Nesryn couldn't breathe and a tear slipped down her cheek. She didn't even know that he'd remembered that moment, when they'd first started down this path.

" _We've known each other for so long, Nesryn," he said. "Changed so ...even way back then I knew just how special you were. How kind and brave and beautiful. And I'm so glad you decided to become my friend, because my life would be miserable without you." He huffed a self-conscious sounding laugh. "Okay, now I definitely can't send you this. It's way too mushy." He hesitated. "Just know I love you, Nesryn. No matter what. No matter who gets between us or what we face. Anyway, happy birthday."_

The screen went black and Nesryn didn't move, just staring at her phone. At the video...

He'd loved her for so long. As a friend, as family, as everything in between.

Nesryn let the tears fall as she sat there.

There was no falling in and out of love with him, she realized. There was only the love that she'd had for him from the very beginning.

 _I'm always there for you. Just like you're there for me._

The traffic had finally moved forward, and they were passing West 68th Street.

Her heart pounded and before she knew what she was doing, she reached forward and knocked on the partition.

"Pull over," she told the cab driver

The man looked at the teeming traffic around them. "Where?"

Nesryn made a split second decision. "It's fine, I'll just get out here." Thankfully she'd packed light and only had to grab her duffle bag as she opened the door and shoved the fare at the driver.

The man gaped at her out the window. "You're crazy, lady," he said.

Nesryn couldn't stop the smile from spreading across her face. "We're all crazy in love," she said breathlessly. "Keep the change."

Cars honked at her and people shouted obscenities as she ran across three lanes of traffic.

Nesryn didn't allow herself time to think or second guess herself as she sprinted down the sidewalk towards Sartaq's apartment building.

She ran into the lobby, igoring the strange looks she was getting and was about to press the button for the elevator when a man who she knew vageuly as Sartaq's neighbor said, "He's not here." He nodded at her. "Ran out just a bit ago. Said something about getting away from the city for the weekend."

Nesryn, still out of breath from her sprint, felt like someone had punched her in the chest. She stared at him. "He-"

She couldn't form words or anything really.

 _He was gone._

And no matter that he'd be back by Monday, he probably wouldn't want to see her by then. It might be too late even now.

It was too late.

"Thank you," she said to the man. The words were numb and automatic and she wandered out of his building in a daze, feeling tears prick at her eyes. _She was too late._

Not looking where she was going, she ran into someone on the sidewalk and stumbled. "Oh, I'm so sorry-" she said, looking up-

She froze.

"Nesryn?" Sartaq gaped at her, eyes wide. "You're-what are you doing here?"

"You-I-" Nesryn swallowed. "I thought you were gone," she said. "On your vacation."

He looked stunned. "I..was. I am. I just forgot something." He gave her a confused look. "But i thought you were supposed to be on a flight to Kenya."

"Oh. That." Nesryn nodded, hardly able to think. "I was. I'm supposed to be. But, well, I was in the cab and then Aelin sent me this text with a video from Dorian, who I really think has been snooping through both of our phones because there's no way he could've gotten those videos without it, and I told the cabbie the pull over and I ran through the street and then you weren't here and-"

He stared at her. He was so surprised and confused that it seemed like he'd momentarily forgotten that he was supposed to be mad at her. "You..ran through traffic?" He shook his head, as though clearing his thoughts. "Never mind. Nesryn, I don't have time for this right now-"

Nesryn surged forward and cut off his words with her mouth.

He made a muffled sound, but her hand came up to cup his face and then he was kissing her back.

She tried to pour all of her emotions into the kiss-the hope, the fear, the love.

It had only been three days since she'd last kissed him, but somehow it felt like an eternity. Still, she drew back after a few moments.

Sartaq looked stunned, but she raised a hand

"I need you to not talk right now," she said, her voice a whisper. "I...was horrible to you the other day. I hurt you and I hurt me, and I see that now, but..." she swallowed. "I'm hoping that I haven't irreparably hurt us yet."

Sartaq's face was unreadable, but he didn't storm off, so she took that as a sign to continue.

"You were right," she said. "I am a coward. I don't like to risk things, especially with something as important as you. And maybe I'm too late. Maybe this won't ever be." Her eyes burned and she met his gaze. "But...I just had to let you know I love you, Sartaq." A ghost of a smile on her face. "No matter what. No matter who gets between us or what we face. Even...even if I've broken us irreparably."

His eyes widened at the familiar words. "You saw-" He shook his head, cutting himself off. There was pain on his face, and it broke her heart. "Nesryn..." He looked down at her. "How do I know you mean this? You may have been in denial, but you said that you couldn't try for a reason. Maybe you were right. Maybe trying will just end with us in pieces."

Nesryn didn't have a logical answer for that. So she just went with the truth. "Maybe it will," she said. "But I've always been an idiot about love...and all I know is, I need you in my life. And we've survived so much together. We can survive this too."

 _Please tell me we can survive this._

She'd hurt him-she could see that in his the way he hesitated. "I do love you, Nesryn," he said quietly. "But I need to know that you won't run the moment things get hard."

"I deserve that," she admitted. "And there isn't any way I can prove to you that I won't. You..you just have to trust me." She swallowed, and added, "I understand if you don't, though-"

He cut her off with a kiss.

Her arms wound around his neck and she lifted herself onto her toes, their bodies fitting together so perfectly.

Sartaq broke the kiss and brushed her hair out of her face. "I trust you," he said quietly. His eyes were gleaming. "And I trust us."

Nesryn's smile was so wide it hurt her face. "Good," was all she managed to say before she kissed him again.

There was still more to figure out, so many more things to talk over and decide, but for now Nesryn was content to stand there on the sidewalk, kissing Sartaq.

It was strange, she thought. How she'd kissed him before, many times, but never like this.

But then maybe everything is strange when you're falling in love.

No, not falling.

Falling _back_ in love.


End file.
